Your Very Own British Tutorial

Spring has most definitely sprung.

Here is how I figured this out:

-The sun was still out when I got kicked out of the library at closing time.

-It's tourist season! I love the tourists. They make me feel cool by comparison and also have lots of adorable little kids in strollers. But I can't help but notice they aren't exactly hip with the jive, if you know what I mean. Not at all like me. I plan to be the coolest, most subtle tourist ever. I'm traveling through France and Italy after the term, and I expect people will frequently mistake me for an Italian or Frenchman (Frenchwoman?). This will be greatly helped by the fact that I plan to casually throw out all the Italian/French I know, which can be summed up as follows: “Zut alors! Sacre Bleu! Bonjour! Pizza!” and “Prego!” I will probably only order French fries and French toast, as those dishes are clearly indigenous to France. I also fully intend to purchase both a fanny pack and an American flag do-rag before traveling. After hearing this, one of the people traveling with me expressed regret at choosing me as a traveling companion, although I can't imagine why. I am clearly an asset, as all foreign hatred will be concentrated on me, and so the rest of my group will look extremely cool and non-infuriating in comparison. Whilst (have I mentioned they say “whilst” here a lot?) I am being shot by some patriotic Frenchman for blaspheming the name of France, they can make a safe getaway.

In any case, I thought I would provide the Oxford tourists, as well as you, with a guide on British culture. This is known as a “tutorial” and are all the rage here in Britain. But to really fully experience this, you need to not have slept for a day before and imagine the intense fear that comes from reading your paper out loud in front of a brilliant tutor who has spent their whole life researching the topic you have spent one week on, etc etc.

LANGUAGE

We will start with a language overview. By the end of this, I hope you understand both why it's awesome to live here and why I have to get Sam to translate everything for me. As a quick example, what do you think writing a paper means? Wrong. Just always assume you're wrong. A “paper” is an examination, an “essay” is a paper. The basic rule of thumb here is to never assume what it means in English to you is what it means in English to them. Confused? Good.

We'll start with some basic vocabulary:

“chat-up lines” = pick-up lines

“star jumps” = jumping jacks

“Chinese whispers” = the game of telephone

“aluminium” = aluminum. I mean, you could probably figure this one out, but I want to make sure you are fully educated.

“toad in the hole” = I'm still not exactly sure what this is, but it's actually pretty tasty.

“cheers” = thanks, goodbye, see you later alligator (I'm not sure the British would agree with that last interpretation)

But just knowing the words does not guarantee you will pronounce them properly:

Gloucester = Gloster

Leicester = Lester

Worcester = Wusster (Do you sense a theme here?)

Magdalen Street = Mawd-len Street

And my personal favorite:

Herb = Herb. Like you pronounce the H.

When I realized the wealth of terminology I was not familiar with, I instructed Sam to place me in a British immersion program. The first word I learned from him was “moreish," and he thinks its definition is self-evident. I beg to differ. Apparently, if refers to things like cookies that are addicting, or things that its easy to eat a lot of. His next word was “chuffed.” Apparently, it means “extremely happy.” And in my favorite variation, if you are extremely happy, you can say “I'm chuffed to bits!” This actually sounds disastrous to me, like you're exploding or something, but hey, I'll let these crazy Brits have their way.

When in doubt, throw in “as it were,” “brilliant,” or “if you like” as conversation fillers. If there is ever a awkward silence, immediately revert to conversation about the weather (rain). Continually apologize to the Americans about the rain, acting surprised at bad weather and keeping up the pretense that the weather is actually good sometimes.  Don't ever ask “What?” when you can't hear something, you hideous American. “Sorry?” or “Pardon?” is the proper response. And don't forget the most infuriating aspect of all British talking: the question. Many Brits won't raise their voices at the end of questions, but rather make it a statement, or even lower their voice to conclude the question. I cannot fully describe it; just know it's annoying. This is becoming even more annoying to me, because two guys from my program started doing this intentionally, and now the rest of the house is picking it up subconsciously. I comfort myself that they will sound like idiots once they are back in America.

So that you can see this language in action, we now turn to some actual excerpts from British media:

“Thanks so much, really brill of you! … Hope you're ace”

The “brill” part I got, obvs, as it is short for “brilliant” and as this was an actual email to me, clearly makes sense. But apparently “ace” is a British expression from the '80s that no one uses anymore. So now you not only know British slang, you know retro British slang.

Here are some other excerpts from emails I have actually received:

“but do go along if you fancy it”

“a sound grade will be gained”

“I hope you are getting on well and that you aren't flagging too much.”

The Brits don't really have to worry about this. I don't even own a flag. (HAHAHA Oxford is not just making me smarter, but FUNNIER)

“Boy scarred for life as yob hurls stone from bridge.”

Apparently, a “yob” is like a hoodlum. This was an actual headline from a Welsh newspaper. (Don't worry, the boy was OK, despite the yob's hurtful stone). This newspaper also included the headline “Fluffy is still meowing strong at age of 20.” No translation problems there though, just hilarious.

You should be able to see that all these crazy English language differences make it extremely difficult to play the British Apples to Apples we have at Crick without a translator present. Do YOU know what scousers, bendy buses, or geordies are? I didn't think so.

CULTURE AND CUSTOMS

Visualize that it is your first day as a tourist in Oxford. Go ahead. Close your eyes and picture it. Why is the sun in this picture? The sun does not exist at Oxford. If your imaginary luggage does not include an umbrella and rainboots, take the imaginary plane back to America to get them. There. Much better.

Grab your bike. Tuck your pants into your sock on the side of your bike chain. Unless you are a girl, because, as previously discussed, you will not be wearing pants. Also don't call them pants. I probably should have mentioned that in the vocabulary section.

As you bike along the streets, you see many really, really old things. Most of these old things are pubs, but some of them are colleges. If you pass some students, you may hear them reference “the Bod,” another old thing. This is the Bodlean library. Similarly, the “Rad Cam” is the Radcliffe Camera library, mostly for undergraduate students. During term, you are guaranteed to find a minimum of 5 students in every room completely passed out on the desks, and occasionally one will snore. If you study in this library, try to look extremely intense and academic. Note that your bag will be checked before and after you study in this library, because you can't actually take any books out of this library. If you study in the upper level of the Rad Cam, be careful not to drop anything, as it will make an EXTREMELY loud echo-y noise, and you will get hateful looks from surrounding students. Also, its worth knowing that in the Upper Cam, it is uncomfortably easy to accidentally play footsie with the person sitting directly across from you. If this happens, avoid eye contact at all costs. It's the British thing to do.

Which leads me to this advice: when you walk along the sidewalk, do not make eye contact with anyone approaching, and especially do not smile. This is not seen as friendliness, but creepiness, or perhaps even mental illness. Instead, to occupy yourself, purchase a “baguette” (a sub sandwich) or a “toastie” (toasted sandwich). Walk and eat at the same time. This way you look like you are so academic and busy you do not have time to sit down to eat.

As you walk, you will notice Oxford is a lovely place. Occasionally, like last Thursday for instance, they film Bollywood films on High Street, incorporating dancing, bicycles, and roller skates. It turns out that they do not randomly grab blond passersby to be extras, however, which is extremely disappointing.

Make sure you walk down Cornmarket Street. (You may ask what happened to your bike. Unfortunately, you were targeted as an American noob and it was stolen by English yobs.) This street has two advantages: 1) There are no cars on this street, so you will probably not get hit by a bus coming from the wrong direction. 2) There are frequently street-performers on Cornmarket, including, but not limited to: Fire-jugglers, violin-playing-slack-rope-walkers, various musicians bringing you the hits of Simon and Garfunkel, Queen, and Green Day(??), and if you're lucky, you will see the man dressed up in medieval apparel who stands on the corner and shouts “God save the Queen!” Also there is a MacDonald's on Cornmarket.

If you walk down Broad Street, will pass several Oxford apparel shops. Do NOT, under any circumstances, buy a T-shirt, sweatshirt, etc., that says “University of Oxford.” This will completely compromise your pretense as a non-tourist; I repeat: only tourists/noobs get University of Oxford apparel. If you are actually a student, you get the standard blue hoodie with your college name and coat of arms on the front, such as Christ Church, Queens, or Brasenose. These sweatshirts are uniformly unattractive, but that doesn't matter: it's what all the cool kids get.

Now we come to the ultimate tourist test: the classic British phone booth. Under no circumstances are you to take pictures in them. “But Lisa” you may protest “why would they set up a booth every five feet and scoff at people who take pictures in them if no one actually uses them for making phone calls?” As far as I can tell, they are the ultimate tourist test: if you can walk by one without reaching for your camera, you may be able to convince them you belong here. 

 

I could go on and on, but I should probably do something academic, as that is kind of the point of my being here. Hopefully, after all this knowledge I have shared with you, you will not stick out quite as much as the rest of the tourists. I think you are genuinely ready for an Oxford adventure. Just be sure to purchase a fanny-pack first. 

--- Editors note: I apologize for the extreme length of this post. It sadly reflects what repeatedly happens in all my papers ("essays"): I write wayyy too much and then have to edit out 500 words. Unfortunately for you, I don't have a word limit for blogs.